A battle field

He doesn’t feel like there’s much time today. He finally made it to the cafe where we meet. He doesn’t seem to excited today. I know what he’s been up to. We had a great day yesterday but the set up blinded him this morning and being tired did not help with trying to see me, but Sam knows, excuses don’t do him any justice, he knows I was there and he looked away. He’s at work and not able to focus, his mind racing again, pain and fear weigh down on him, he’s not sure if he can stand up and walk straight, he looks to me and I tell him its lifted rise up, but I don’t think he can hear me because I don’t see him move.

He pulls out his daily devotional from Spurgeon and reads what is set there, Forsake me not, O Lord - Psalm 38:21. Sam: there is fear in me, i know you’re out there and I believe you but why do I keep holding back, there’s a part of me that wishes i have not strayed so far from you at a young age and a part that knows only then will I have seen you in your victory and see the victory in my life. There’s a part of me that believes a time is coming where we will talk about everything and live out of something new than this emptiness I keep trying to fetch water from. Oh what do I know, i do a better job of not listening than I do listening, is that even me speaking?

He is getting too carried away in his thoughts. I want to tell him about my love for him, show him my embrace, give him my assurance. It’s like we are sitting across each other from the table and he can’t see or listen to me. I don’t expect anything from you Sam, no accomplishment on this earth would make me love you more or have me be more gracious to you, I seek your heart son, and it’s that heart that looks to me that I delight in...wait, do you hear me? Sam: a little I guess - yes it’s me, I forgive you son, and i will not forsake you, I am here to lead you out of here and to the place where you shall enter a stage of new development...be happy today son, just take today and live in it, enjoy your blessings, hold your wife and tell her she is beautiful, pick your son up and call him courageous:) and I will hold you up and call you warrior.

He seems to be holding up okay. I want to see if we can spend sometime in the morning together too and not just meet at this lunch hour, I have loads to tell him at the beginning of his day. There’s the warmth of my presence rising in his life. Oh I know you are anxiously waiting for the part where he fights the bad guy and wins, me too. It’s coming, I would know, I’m the author;)

- The Author -

Day going on

It is a good day when I get to talk with Sam. I love hearing thoughts. He’s got some imagination. He doesn’t often use it but when he does it is exciting. We were headed for another similar day today but Sam started to listen to me just in time to turn around and see something different. I can tell he is wrestling with letting go of the future, something in him wants to hold on, wants to control the outcome and I think he knows unless he lets go I won’t be able to take lead. So we had a little talk yesterday when Sam was driving home from work. I actually didn’t think he was going to reach out and talk to me, he was busy at work and looked tired, he did call his wife on his way home but she had cut the conversation short that he had some time to spare.

Here’s a snap chat of our talk. 
Sam: Are you there? Why is this hard? I want to live this life for you and not lose sight of you but every day I find myself fighting and falling.
Me: I am here, wouldn’t be much of an author if I did not stick close by now would I:) (I don’t think he found that funny, I don’t know if Sam knows how to laugh in my presence...we will work on that later, got some jokes up my sleeves) 
Sam: You know, just when I am about to start believing there’s something more to my life than this, begin to see something bigger it slips away and I find myself I don’t know if I know how to fight any more, but I know that’s not true ... (taking a deep breath) ... when will it change? 
Me: If we take today Sam, what part of it did you control? You only manage what I give you, and yet you struggle to trust me to give you more, why would you worry about tomorrow today? 
Sam: I don’t want to worry about tomorrow, but I still feel the lashes of last year on my back, it is so near, I stepped out and it was rough for my family, and I know my wife feels that and the little stability we have with our income has given some hope to what is to come but I know my hope shouldn’t come from that but from what you have spoken - I am made in your image - forgive me that I chose otherwise.
Me: Don’t worry about that Sam, I am not looking at that I am looking at the heart that is beating inside you saying no to all the opposition and holding on to a bigger plan to unveil ... I see a time when you and I are in sink and you see me everywhere you go...

So Sam kept wrestling with more thoughts and I thought I would not get a chance to talk to him before he went to sleep but he did reach out to me and we were able to chat for a short bit before bed time. His morning was a wrestling match because you know who showed up and laid traps for Sam, and he did walk into it but he searched me and I led him back, that brought a smile to my face.

As an author to a story, you desire to see your characters come fully alive, and as much you can’t wait for the climax of the story, once the good guy wins, you crave for more of the happy ending. I don’t like stories where the story ends immediately after the bad guy loses. I want Sam to have his full life, there is so much to the story he is in that is already done, but he has to figure that out. Here is to hoping for an amazing afternoon with him at work. Sam read his devotion for today and it was from Psalm 138:8 The LORD will vindicate me; your love, LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands. 
- The Author -

A step back

Sam. That’s his name. I remember when I looked forward to seeing him come to life. This was way before he was conceived. He is courageous and stronger than he knows. But like every good story, we are at the point where he hasn’t seen that yet. I get excited thinking about the day his fingers realize their ability when they grasp the sword that is truly theirs to fight with. Like that scene from The Lord of the Rings, where the king picks up his sword after being set free from the darkness that was holding him hostage, Gandalf The White instructs him to pick it up and swoosh, just like riding a bike. Oh Sam, so much to unveil but I’m not the only one fighting for his heart. There is one that once was my creation that is aiming at his heart every day. He delights in watching my creation fail.

This morning was rough for Sam. After his busy day yesterday, with the little turn out he had at work, he went to bed feeling defeated. I was trying to get him to talk to me but the feelings were too familiar and he wasn’t about to exchange them for something else. He tried, but couldn’t bring himself to what was to happen. He held back and sat in his empty thought room, which isn’t really that empty. That’s where he found him. I couldn’t do anything to stop him from being swayed. He already gave him permission to lead him that way. I wish he had gone to sleep under a different heart. He woke up at 3:30 am, wide awake he lay on the bed, turned to see his wife sound asleep, rolled over a couple of times before he decided to get up. What he couldn’t see and what I was watching was him influencing Sam all night through settle leading, now Sam was heading right into the old days where he hid from the world. He puts on a movie and nothing seems to be changing. Hours pass and before he could ask where I was, his heart was feeling that failure look, I’ve seen that before. My first two fell the same way and went to hide from me. I wanted to tell Sam I love him, I wanted him to come to me so I can hold him, fight that fallen feeling and come embrace something new with me, it’s okay Sam there is much that I want to show you and we are only beginning even though it might feel we have been doing this for a while.

Sam went back to sleep and the rest of the morning he didn’t seem to see me. He was wrapped up in the impossible. He’s back at the cafe on his lunch break, we normally meet here, and I know he is searching for me. I want to tell him I have redeemed you from this, and I am with you. I cannot work there when I have to work here first son - no program, no amount of experience can bring about what your heart and my heart desire to see. Aha, was that a smile Sam, do you see me? You do, there you are - I know, I love you too Sam, I forgive you - I am with you all the time Sam, look inside and you will see what is already happening, the old is making way for the new and before you know it you will see a new light - that brave heart is in there. Oh Sam, I know you have to go back to work, I wish we could just spend some time talking so I can tell you how to see me more, after all I can only author as much as you are able to hear and do.

He looks lifted. It’s never easy to see your creation living beneath the level you know you made them to live in. I am not giving up on Sam, not today and in my time frame today is quite long :)

- The Author -

A start

Some days the view is hard to see, other days it is clear as day. The thoughts of tomorrow grip around his heart but he feels it get lighter as he remembers who he is and what he is to become, he forgets and it feels too tight he can’t feel anything else but lose of life and hope. If only he could see there is more to him than meets the eye. I can tell him that but he doesn’t listen to me always, in fact there is so much distraction around him, when he listens to me he often can’t tell I am speaking.

Today has been interesting for him. He woke up to the sound of a crying baby, he rolled over to see the clock at 6:30 am, his face frowned and it is almost as if his energy dropped at the sight of the time. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get up; he rolled over to see his wife on the other side of the bed dead asleep. I can’t have her wake up, she hasn’t been feeling well lately - he thought, so he got up and walked to the baby, gave him his little pacifier and put him down to sleep, shut the door and went back to sleep, convinced he was going to be exhausted this day. There I was standing in the room, waiting to see if he would say hello or if he had missed me but I did not cross his mind. I did try to get his attention, I even held my hands out but he was too tired so he went down. The baby cried a couple of times but he was too tired to get up. He eventually got up and walked to his phone that was in the other room. There was a message from his boss from work, he called her and in the discussion forgot I was trying to see if he would see me there, trying to warn him to stop and not get carried away by the traps set forth, but it was too late....here we are at his lunch time, he is trying to figure out why life is hard and I am trying to tell him I miss him and there is an adventure that is waiting for his heart to start beating and not feeling chocked...what would happen if he was to embrace that and hold on to tomorrow? oh what joy delight - may be, just may be this could be the beginning of an adventure that will surprise us both.
- The Author -

Just another day

It's been one of those days for him. He's tired, didn't get much sleep last night. Looks like life just keeps going and a desire in his heart lunges for the pace to pause so he can rest. But no time for rest now, he's got to leave in a few minutes to head out to the afternoon. He pauses not sure what to do next. I try to whisper to him an encouragement, to show him that I'm there, for a moment I thought he heard me, his head lifted up and I was sure he was looking at me but he turned his head down and the heaviness on his shoulders were visible. I need to get his attention today, there's much to do. Ah there, he's getting on his laptop, that's it, I'll keep speaking to him through the posts of others and remind him I'm here. What a crowded mind, here's a thought about work, one about income, one about being a failure, one about pleasing others, no wonder he can't hear me.

That's it! Look here, I'm still here. There's the smile I've been looking for. I know it's a rough day buddy, I can tell you're tired. Hang in there tho son, it's going to be a great day. You excited? He nodes his head to show me a yes, I don't believe you, are you excited? I grab him and spin him around and his face lights up and he says, "Yes I am". Now I have much to tell you about your day, you ready for me to write and you to do? Hesitating a little, he asks what I am going to write and I tell him with a reassuring face, you'll just have to find out but it's going to be good. He packs his stuff up and gets ready to go. I can see the encouragement starting to flow in his body, oh the joy of being the author, but he is more than a character, he's my son. He's yet to discover what is ahead.

 - The Author -